Once we were ready to be parents, which was a dream for each of us, I certainly had a planned timeline for when things should happen. Only, The One Above had different plans. I struggled conceiving. I tried hormone therapy, did all sort of tests, peed on an ovulation stick daily but nothing was happening. I was completely emotionally drained, our relationship was being affected, and I was ready to accept that maybe it wasn’t meant for me to carry my own child. Our final step was IVF. I needed a mental break before starting that.
2.5 years into it, on a rainy Sunday evening, I did yet another pregnancy test. Positive! Hm, should I get excited?!? I had had many false positive ones before. I called hubby, who was less than happy to be interrupted from watching a football game with his nephew.
Me: Look at this….
Him: What does that mean?
Me – shrug shoulders…..I knew where he was coming from; he didn’t want to go through the excitement only to crash again the next day.
First thing Monday AM, I called the doc’s office and went in for a blood test. Things felt different this time, but then again, they had felt different so many times before when I had hoped that darn test would be really positive. They told me they will call me tomorrow. For real?!? Again, seriously!
Tuesday AM – I was glued to the phone. Come on, call now. 8 AM, 9 AM, 10 AM, 11 AM, 12 PM. For real, how long does it take to do this test?!? I gave up waiting and went to grab lunch at Moe’s, phone in hand.
While in line, the phone rang. Yes! Doc’s office. I am not sure but I probably ran outside. My heart was about to pop out. In my head, I was praying: ” Please, please, please, let it be good news.” Somehow knowing I will completely crumble if the news were not what I wanted, I managed to pick up the phone with normal tone.
Nurse: Hi Mrs. Angelova, this is X from Dr. X office.
For real, I know that! Annoyed.
Me: Yes, hi, do you have the test results (I usually tend to do the polite pick up…not this time).
Nurse: Yes, we do….(pause).
For God’s sake, please speak up faster. Anticipating and totally dreading what I am about to hear….
Nurse: Mrs. Angelova, your HCG is very elevated; congratulations, you are very pregnant!
OMG, OMG, OMG, if that nurse was in front of me, I would have probably suffocated her with my hug!!!! Scheduled ultrasound at X weeks, hung up. Tears were rolling down my face….
I called hubby.
Me: Are you in the office?
Him (he could tell by my voice I was crying): Yes, are you ok?
Me: yes, I will be in your office shortly.
Him (confused): Ok
It was a nasty cold and rainy day. It was grey and pouring. I thought to myself that this is the most beautiful day I have seen in a long while. It took me 15-20 minutes to get to hubby’s office but that felt like forever. I cried the entire way there.
I walked in the office, eyes red and swollen. Hubby’s eyes got teary-eyed too. I knew the news he was expecting.
We walked into a private office and closed the door. I sat in his lap.
Him: are you ok? What’s going on?
Me (my heart pounding with excitement): WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!
Him (bursting out crying): OMG, why didn’t you tell me earlier? I was so worried.
That was probably one of the best moment we have shared together!
My pregnancy went mostly ok. I was so nervous not to do something wrong to the baby that I went from super active to some walking. I had some cramping in the beginning which freaked us out a bit. I started having hip pains early on but that was nothing major.
Then we found out the sex of the baby! A baby girl!
I really didn’t care what we are going to have. Hubby, he wanted a boy. So, every visit we went to, he would ask the doctor if it was a boy or girl. I found this utterly annoying! Had to tell him the sex of the baby doesn’t change.
I gained 50 pounds. I wasn’t pigging out but was a lot less active than before. I had a ton of water retention. Toward the end, I could barely put flip flops on.
The baby was big and my doctor was convinced I won’t be able to push her out. I really didn’t want a C-section but was ready to do whatever was best for baby and mama. The surgery was scheduled for a Friday.
During the Wednesday visit, I showed my doc my inner thigh. It had been super swollen and tender to the touch, and now it was starting to turn purple. Doc thought it would be smart to do an ultrasound to make sure there were no issues. I did the ultrasound and headed home.
On the way home, the phone rang. The hospital.
Nurse: May I speak to Mrs. Angelova please?
Nurse. Mrs. Angelova, you have a clot in your lower extremity and need to be admitted to the hospital immediately.
We arranged timing and where to go and all that. I didn’t think much about this other than get excited that I am finally going to meet my baby girl!
I call hubby and tell him we need to go to hospital immediately when I get home. Of course, he tells me he is not ready with packing his stuff, etc. This is a prime example of when I talk about opposites attract. I am fuming! 9 months were not enough for him to get ready?!? Of course I tell him exactly how I feel.
We finally make it to the hospital early evening. I put the sexy hospital gown and am in bed anxiously and excitedly awaiting the doctor. Finally the doctor comes in. It’s not my doctor but a doctor from her practice. First impression and upon us eagerly greeting her, she isn’t uber friendly. Oh well, who cares. She doesn’t spend much time with us but her message is alarming and cold and confusing and chilling and shocking and scary and upsetting…..
The message: I am in a very high risk situation right now because the clot could travel up to my lungs and be fatal. I cannot deliver right now because the delivery can cause the clot to travel. I need to be on blood thinners in hope the clot dissolves before I go naturally in labor. Once on blood thinners, a C-section isn’t the recommended way to go.
As always, I try to stay strong and keep the tears at bay. I want to say something but for once in my life I am speechless. I am upset and mad. I try to tell her I am scared and am looking for reassurance that everything will be ok. But she either doesn’t get it or does not care or maybe just has to deal with stuff like that all the time and can’t allow herself to care. I do not know. What I know is that right before she walked out, I asked her to confirm…
Me: So you are basically telling me that I can die before I see my baby?
Doc: You need to be on complete bed rest because the situation is very delicate.
As she walks out, I start to cry full force. I am mad! I am upset! Why can’t anything in my life for once go smoothly? I am scared. I am horrified. What do I do? What if this crying makes the clot move? Pull it together, Maria! No, wait, I can’t feel sick b/c what if the clot moves? How will my daughter be raised without me? I am sure mom can help! Yes, my brother, he is around, he can help hubby too. And then my in-laws, yes, they have kids, they know. OMG, I am not prepared. I don’t have a will; do I need to write one now? What about a letter to my daughter? Pictures? Would she have pictures of me? What about her? Is she going to be ok? What if something happens to her? My head is spinning! I feel sick! My hubby tries to be reassuring but he isn’t doing a good job. I am usually the tough one. I can tell he is horrified, his voice is shaky. I call my mom trying to share the news calmly; I fail as I start crying on the phone. Family, sister-in-laws and friends start calling. I try to keep it together, I can’t….I am scared, I don’t feel like being tough or strong or any of that. I need to hear that all will be ok.
I clearly remember all of this as if it was yesterday. I spent 5 days on bed rest in the high risk department. I was absolutely not allowed to move. My back was killing me. I was humongous. Oh glory, on Sunday I got great news – the clot had dissolved!
Monday I got induced and after unsuccessful attempts for natural delivery, I still ended with a C-section. Thank God, my baby was healthy and so was I! It was the most precious, special, unbelievable moment of our life! She was our little miracle baby dream! And hubby was smitten and absolutely in love with her the first second he met her! Remember the talk about him wanting her to be a boy? That was instantaneously a thing of the past!
I struggled with motherhood and baby stage. It was repetitious and I wasn’t in control. Hubby’s consolation was that I wasn’t the first one to have a baby (rrrrr!). I really couldn’t complain. We were so incredibly blessed. I did my 12 weeks off, and, on a Friday, confirmed with my manager that I will be back to work on Monday.
And then things changed in a way I never envisioned…. I looked at my little monkey and decided there was no way I could leave her home and go back to work. I delivered the news to hubby. After all, when I had moved to NYC for a couple of years, and we debated where we should settle, his cost-of-living argument was that if we live in GA, one day when we have kids, I can be a stay-at-home mom. I was furious! Stay-home mom? Me? Are you for real? I have busted my behind to be where I am in the corporate world. You want me to give that up to be a stay-at-home mom?!? Huge fight!
Well, now things had turned around. His ambitious corporate wife had decided she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom after all. He was shocked! And upset! Where was that coming from? We weren’t prepared. True, but I couldn’t leave my baby at home and go back to work. So we fought, and over the weekend I wrote him a long letter telling him why I should stay home. I resigned on that Monday.