Unfortunately or fortunately for my hubby, I have never been one of those wives who does what she is told to. I always seek his opinion and do respect his advice but there are those times, when we are on (very) different pages. We are polar opposites and, therefore, frequently have opposing views. I do know I get on his nerves much but, as much as he gets annoyed with me expressing an honest opinion and pushing back, that is what also what attracts him to me. I often remind him that you can’t have a wife that is always agreeable but also knows how to stand her ground.
Am I always right and have the right approach to things? No. My mom tells me that I should learn how to get what I want from him by watching my daughter. She is naturally aware that a sweet kiss and/ or ‘I love you, daddy’ followed by a request will get her what she wants.
I have never been that girl. I do not recall being that way with my daddy. However, I do recall knowing how to get what I want from him. It was always through discussion and stating ‘my case’. From the time I was a little girl, I had to argue my points of why I should do X versus Y. Unless the decision was a major one, the ultimate choice was left to me, always attached with the famous warning:
“You are responsible for the decision and the consequences that come along with it.” Smart parenting.
Through life, I have often met women and in different situations who have made the statement: “My husband doesn’t want me to do that.” I have never dwelled on these words until recently.
I was talking to a friend. She is married with kids, a stay-at-home mom. Her kids are now getting older so she is exploring opportunities to do this or that. She has a significant interest in a particular area. She actually has dreams of what she wants to do.
THERE IS ONE PROBLEM STANDING IN HER WAY – HER HUSBAND.
He doesn’t think she should start the business because she won’t be good at it, they will have to invest money, and it will take her away from the family. So guess what? She won’t move forward because “my husband doesn’t want me to do that”.
THIS GOT ME ALL WORKED UP AND REMINDED ME OF ALL THE MANY TIMES I HAVE HEARD THIS STATEMENT.
Yes. Starting a business requires an investment, in some cases bigger than in others. In her case, the investment is not huge and definitely won’t break the bank especially in light of their finances.
She won’t be good at it – well, how does he know that? I agree that there are certain skills required for running a business. When I started my own business last year, I thought I had a solid ground with all my education and corporate experience. However, there is so much to learn! I am constantly pushed outside of my comfort zone and beyond my limits. Can anyone do it? I think if one wants it bad enough. How do you know if you will be good or bad at something unless you try?
I definitely agree that running your own business requires a backbone and much persistence. She may not be good with these things but if that is her dream, isn’t that an opportunity for her to grow?
The dream part – that’s the one piece that really bothers me! She has dreams. Along with those, she has doubts. She has fears. And instead of those being kicked by the curb by those closest to her who should be her strongest support group, they are reinforced.
To be honest, I do not think that her hubby (who, by the way, I really like!) has truthfully considered or heard what she has in mind. I think that’s easier. She is not a “business person” so let’s just close the topic.
I can totally understand his concern about her being pulled away from family life. However, I do think there is a selfishness involved there. He knows he will have to step up and absorb some of her home responsibilities. Of course it is easier to keep things status quo.
Have you EVER heard a man say: “MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT ME TO DO THAT” and, therefore, I will forget about it?
I once talked to a very senior man in corporate. He was getting his next big promotion which required a move to a different city. His wife was less than thrilled to uproot the family again for his career. Do you know what he said: “She better resolve her issues and get on board”. He didn’t say it in a mean way. He just knew that he was moving for his career and that was going to benefit his family financially so, in his head, it was a no brainer.
In situations when women desert opportunities for lack of spousal support, I do think that WOMEN ARE AT FAULT TOO.
I think often the fact that our husband doesn’t want us to do something is a good excuse for us not to do it. It becomes a paravane behind which we can hide our insecurities and fears (we all have them). I wanted to resign my corporate job a year and a half before I did. When we first had the conversation, according to my hubby, we weren’t ready for it. A year after the first conversation, that was still the case. I told him I will give corporate another 6 months. In 6 months, we still weren’t ready. I was ready. I didn’t want to be one of these people in their retirement age thinking ‘what if’. So I quit. I told my husband via a text message. There was no response…..and there was no conversation at all for the next week. It sucked. I needed him. I was scared, doubtful…..a whole lot more than he was. I needed him to tell me: You got this, babe!. After all, that is what I have been doing for his business for the past 10 years. But,
My husband didn’t want me to do that!
When I think back of all the times someone has told me not to do something, I am glad that I have listened to my gut. When I told one of my best buddies I had quit my job, he asked:
“What did hubby think?”
“He wasn’t on board.”
He laughed then proceeded:
“Just like when you moved to New York! Everyone told you not to move and you were like – I am moving!”
“And that move to New York was one of the best things I did in my life!”
The moral of this story is not to disrespect your husband/ partner/ boyfriend/ whoever’s opinion. It is simply a reminder that we all have different life paths. If we want to use this quote as an excuse to not do something, that’s one thing. But long run, we have to be honest with ourselves and know that we are a person outside of being (in this case) a wife.
Sometimes we have to stand up for what we want. If we don’t, who will? There is no one else who will chase our dream.
I would love to hear YOUR opinion on the topic.