Warning: If you are are uncomfortable talking about sex, please proceed reading with caution or stop. I am not an expert or a medical person; below is purely a personal opinion written for entertainment purposes. It is not intended to provide counsel or solve any kind of medical, psychological, physiological or any other issues. All references to sex below are in the context of mutually consensual and healthy interaction.
Blog is from a woman’s point of view and primarily intended for ladies.
Make sure to read to the end…… 😉
At a recent women’s event, I was taken aback by an interesting stat: double digit of women do not experience orgasms. Say what?!?
This can’t be true. Thankfully, there is Google. Hm. Through simple online searches, I found various stats on women and orgasms. Some women have medical issues preventing them from climaxing. Other women deal with issues like:
1) not being able to be in the moment (surprise!)
2) needing additional stimulation other than vaginal intercourse – seems to be the case for the majority of women – well, at least solution should be relatively easy
3) not feeling confident
4) not getting enough action prior to partner’s climax
In one article, it was interestingly pointed out that by society norms, sex finishes when a man attains satisfaction. There were actually articles on the ‘orgasm gap’. Funny or sad – pay gap, C-level gap, orgasm gap.
As a woman, these stats made me upset. Of course, so typical of women. We take care of everything and everyone but when it gets to taking care of us, that is an afterthought.
I don’t know if it is a cultural difference but I didn’t grow up thinking of sex as taboo. No, sex is a basic human need, and it is good for everyone. Sex raises good hormones, keeps hormones in balance, keeps our heart healthy, is a form of stress relief (who doesn’t need that this day and age?) and so forth. Sex is also not something we should be ashamed of wanting.
In college years, I found it interesting that folks would get wasted in order to get action. I guess it was an excuse to not feel guilty about it. Why not just be upfront?
I grew up with topless beaches, swimming in pool facilities where bathroom was unisex but one open space. Never thought about it being weird. We were all women.
When we first moved to the U.S., one of our neighbors was German. She showed up at the apartment swimming pool topless. Someone called the police on her. We thought it was hilarious. I guess she presented a cultural shock to the pool crowd.
One of my first corporate jobs, I signed up with a colleague at the corporate gym downstairs. Post our first workout, we were in the dressing room when she quietly whispered: “can you believe this woman just walked naked all the way to the shower and back?” Hm, interesting. I didn’t find anything weird about that. We were in the women’s locker room. Glad she said something because I was about to do the same.
On another note and generally, women and self confidence tend to work against each other. Quite often, we women aren’t comfortable in our own skin. As we age, as some of us carry and deliver babies, our bodies naturally change. Few women are genetically gifted and can afford to make no changes and be impacted less. Hollywood and air brushed pictures of models do not help. For the masses, things start going south, stretch marks and cellulite start marking up our thighs, and fat starts growing exactly where we don’t want it to. Well, guess what ladies? As a smart friend of mine once told me: “things will only get worse so enjoy it”. Jokes aside, yes, food and exercise become increasingly important as we age, and we should take these into account for physical health way more than for physical looks; the looks are the bonus. However, point here is that things will change for most of us. Of course, this is in no way encouragement to throw the towel and accept defeat. Heck no! However, even with great habits, chances are things will look different than in our 20s. And, let’s politely remind our handsome dudes that (chances are) things have changed for them too.
The best part – that is ok! The trick – if we want someone else to see us attractive, we have to see ourselves that way. Because confidence is sexy! Now, when I say this, I do not mean wear a top from when you were 20 and look like sausage trapped in casting because that ain’t sexy (I know, I know, I still have some of my cute, sexy dresses saved just in case I ever get to my 20s body; I am continuously working on that ?).
Point here – if all you see in the mirror is fat, cellulite and stretch marks, which most of us get as we age, then that’s what others will see. And ladies, we really don’t need to point those out to our partners. We need to get ourselves feeling good about us. Of course, healthy eating and exercise and taking care of us will only make things better so we have to keep going with these. However, we also have to learn to love ourselves and the bodies we have. Is your heart beating? You are good then.
Get used to seeing the good things in your body. What’s your favorite body part? Focus on it and highlight it. Spend a few min in front of the mirror in your favorite lingerie and learn to love what you see. Or, wear the same and do some errands around the house. Dance a bit. Get your sexy moves going. Get the adrenaline up. When we feel good about us, we are more daring and fun and our positivity attracts similar energy. Maybe that light can stay on the next time action starts. And who knows, next maybe even the mirror can become part of the fun. I have a friend who is in her 50s. She is very confident in her skin, she highlights her assets tastefully, she is flirty, daring, her attitude makes her totally sexy! She is an inspiration for any woman out there.
Some women are also quite uncomfortable about the whole sex topic and experimentation. I am learning that some of my friends learned about sex as they got older from friends. It was not a topic addressed home. I don’t know what is wrong or right but I think kids should grow up thinking sex isn’t a bad thing. My parents taught me about sex AND about the potential consequences in terms of safety/ disease and pregnancy but it was never a taboo or an uncomfortable topic (of course, nothing more fun than being a pre teen and taking a walk with your parents and younger brother when your dad decides to cover the topics of menses, sex and pregnancy! Oh yes, I still remember that day and conversation!).
Years back, a friend was having some lack of action with her boyfriend. She was frustrated. He just wasn’t into it. So I asked her what she did to spice things up. Nada. Hm. I suggested she do some self entertainment next to him and decline assistance. The next day she texted me that I was a genius :-). Not really. But I am surprised we as women know so little about what makes us “O” and the things that make guys going. For some people, it is shameful to even think about such things. Yes, of course, things are different when we are 20, hormones are raging, life is all about us. Things just happen easier. Then life takes over. Our bodies aren’t the same, we need to take care of everything and everyone, we are exhausted, we are rushed, we are stressed out. When women peak, guys slow down. All of a sudden, things that were fun are now secondary and feel like a task.
Well, did you know that the less you do it, the less you want it and vice versa? Sex is healthy and necessary for men and women. Regular sex and ejacuation decreases chances of prostate cancer for men, it decreases cortisol level and increases happy hormones (endorphins). Regular and satisfactory sex for women decreases their bitter (trying to choose my words wisely) side. Sex increases intimacy and boosts self esteem. Sex decreases tension and makes a relationship deeper (pun intended), closer, more fun.
I have few friends who have sex to keep husbands happy. They don’t care if they get anything out of it. Good for their men! I am not sure behind the psychology of that and how it makes a woman feel. What I am sure is that this does not work for me. Why is it that men should be the only ones satisfied from this joint activity? Nah, men should take care of women too. I say we can be more demanding, ladies.
I think some women are uncomfortable asking for satisfaction of stating what they enjoy. It is again a shameful thing. Now ladies, men can’t figure out what we want even when we tell them, what makes us think they can figure this one out? And, if we let a man get away with it, what is his motivation to want to step it up? So ask. Tell. Guide. Some men will be shocked by it. Some will love it. Some will not know how to react to it. Some will be so shocked that the event may be short lived. Even if so, ask for more action, whatever you like, till you get your O! Remember point #2 above – well, ask for it or work on it!
As we settle with a partner and thing get less exciting, we also tend to forget about the importance of flirtation and playfulness. Ok, ladies, those of you who have been married a while – what was the last time you and your hubby kissed? Not like a boring, lame kiss but rather a kiss like in the good old days when that was enough to get you going? How about you give him a sexy kiss right before he heads out of the door in the morning? Get his mind wondering. How about he comes home and you were right about to jump in the shower and roam around a bit in your undies? Or maybe brush your teeth in a more strategic position and before you get your pj’s on? Speaking of pj’s – how sexy are yours? I know! ?. How about you distract him while he is working from home? A small kiss on the neck or a little bite on the ear? Also remember that men are visual creatures.
And if the spark is completely gone, then find creative ways to get it back. Movies? Toys? Clubs? Role play? Provoking conversation? Find the solution that works for BOTH parties, that’s very key. There is certainly professional help out there too.
What my hubby and I have found that our intimacy follows the ebbs and flows of our relationship. One thing we agree on is that intimacy is one area that can’t die down because it is such an essential part of us. We have certainly had our challenges but as everything in a long-term relationship, it is continuous investment in making things better. And speaking of ‘better’ ladies, did you know that sex is supposed to get better with age? There, one things for which age is in our favor!
Point of all of this: I think every woman should expect (dare I say ‘demand’) satisfaction, whatever that means to her, with each interaction. We should teach, guide, tell, tease. At the end, everyone will be happier!
If you happen to be a gentleman who just finished this – don’t think it is all on us women. Did you know that doing house chores or helping with kids activities and homework is sexy? Compliments help. Sweetness helps. Communication and listening help. Ask. Try harder. Be romantic. “Can we do it?” during commercials isn’t exactly a turn on. Treat us like a queen, we like that. Dress up. Impress us. It is not all about you. Women deserve to enjoy sex just as much as you do. And if you make us happy, there will be a happy ending (pun intended) for you too.
Here is a little rebellious challenge – do something daring and outside of your comfort zone! Whether you are a woman or a man, do something that your partner does not anticipate but you think will make them get a little worked up (you know what I mean). Then, on the Rebellious Intl Facebook Page post, type one word that describes the aftermath. The word has to be tasteful or the comment will be removed. The funnest word will win a bottle of the Young Living Sensation Massage Oil. Yay! Will you be the lucky winner? You know, this dare can cause you many types of ‘lucky’ ;-)! Drawing will be 11:59 PM EST on 2/8/17.
Let’s get our sexy on, folks, and get Rebellious! ?
Before I continue, I would like to quickly point out that the skin down south is very sensitive and thin; hence, anything you put on it (or for that matter anywhere on your body) will get into you bloodstream very easily. So, please do yourself a favor and read the ingredient list (the easy ones to watch for – anything that says perfume, fragrance). You can use the EWG Skin Deep Cosmetic Database to look up suspicious ingredients. If you decide to give essential oils a go, for the same reasons, please make sure that you have a pure, authentic essential oils (How to Select a Pure Essential Oil). Also, before using any essential oils, reminder to do a patch test on your arm skin.
Ok, back to fun stuff!
In the context of this blog, I HAVE TO mention a few awesome products (you can thank me later). I will start with a few (because there are quite a few more that can add spice) but watch out because more fun is coming in the near future!
Beautycounter Body Oil in Citrus Rosemary – could use it as a base to add essential oils below and apply to inner tights or simply to keep skin soft and sexy
If you have had oily conversations with me, chances are you have heard of my experience with this oil. Orange is a citrus oil and has an uplifting and happy aroma that helps ease tension. It is also known to support a healthy libido. I had read much about the ‘fun’ benefits of Orange and had shared with my husband. I finally ordered the oil and officially declared to him that I will be using it one evening. He was very motivated and jumped in the shower quickly….to come out and find me asleep. He was not impressed. Well, that was until I consistently used diluted Orange oil on my inner thighs several evenings in a roll. The best way to describe my personal effect? Think of excitement level when anticipating action in college.
* Note that citrus essential oils cause photosensitivity meaning they make skin more susceptible to sunburn. Beware if you plan to expose skin to sun.
This is another fantastic oil to add spice to love life. Actually, this is one that hubby now asks for when things get heated up. I busted him twice looking for it in my nightstand :-). It has a sweet, floral aroma. I love to diffuse it. It can be used diluted on inner thighs and it is so mild that can be applied diluted to the C area as well. “O” yeah! Think anticipation, tingling….
A wonderful massage oil to get you in the mood. Ladies, a great way to manipulate your way to a nice, massage (longer than a minute…..well, maybe). Gentlemen – a great way to earn bonus points and likely some action! Intrigued? Did you see the Rebellious Intl challenge above?
Young Living Peppermint Essential Oil & Young Living Black Pepper Essential Oil – a spritz of diluted mix with these two oils provides a cooling, tingling sensation, ladies. Aha, externally there. Make sure to dilute enough or you could be on fire for the wrong reason. If you do get on fire, remember to add more carrier oil and NOT water. Also, do not touch any sensitive parts of yours or his after touching either oil and before washing your hands. (If you have no idea what I am talking about, check this out Essential Oils 101)
A men’s favorite.
For a long time, this has been one of my favorite oils but for a different reason. It maintains good circulation and and hence helps keep spider veins at bay. Did ‘circulation’ catch your attention? Yes, it should have. Do you know anything else reliant on good circulation? Aha. Apply on your and his inner thighs diluted.
Tempted to try? Yes, you should.